I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he fucked my hip out of place.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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