I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
