Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
