If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
