Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
