operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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