I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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