Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
