I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize