I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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