I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize