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my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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