this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
