Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
