i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
