This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
