i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I supernannyed him into submission
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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