I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
