so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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