i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm like, not good at living.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
