You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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