His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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