dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
