My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
