I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
