Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
