I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
