there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
