She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
