I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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