And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
