I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize