Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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