ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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