Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
