she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
