I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
