I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Randomize
