so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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