So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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