you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How naked do you want me to be?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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