i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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