He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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