i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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