Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
