walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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