I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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