Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i think i just lost a toe
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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