He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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