This is not my ceiling
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize