do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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