The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
