Im at strip club and am horny
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
