Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
the liver wants what the liver wants
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
