oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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