Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
