i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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