Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
