dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
