11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
