dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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