dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
