did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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