Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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